I'm falling asleep. I'm drowning in rain. I'm calling your name. I'm washing you out. I'm taking a stroll. I'm hailing a cab. I'm breaking away. I'm never looking back. I'm not your savior. I'm not hanging around.

I'm just a girl. I've got one place to go. I've got a new life. I'm raring to go. I'm moving forward. I'm not letting you pull me back. I'm over this crap. I'm over the bridge. I'm done with crying. I'm done with your stunts. I'm done with your self-pity.

I'm calling you out. I'm realizing your lack of potential. I'm feeling sorry for you. I'm not sorry enough. I'm closing the door in your face. I'm not remembering your name. I'm erasing the number that connects you and I. I'm telling you I retract all feelings I felt. I'm seeing the truth. I'm seeing how shallow we were. I'm staring the future in the face.

I'm seeing him walking closer to me. I'm seeing the blue eyes that pierce my soul. I'm reaching a hand to grasp the hand I know. I'm hugging the body that keeps me warm. I'm smiling the smile that only he knows. I'm talking in whispers so only he can hear. I'm telling my husband, to always stay near.


Looking back on past relationships, they were all the same. All shallow, all were what I thought I wanted. I know what I want. I have him. He helps me clean dishes, and plays "Paper Mario" with me. He's the one that pulls me close at night and is willing to cuddle and call me all day.

I have a 'Southern Temper' that gets me in trouble every time. I'm trying to get it under control. I threw a fit last night and immediately afterwards, before he even knew that I was really throwing a tantrum, I was sobbing and begging for forgiveness. Want to know what kind of man I married? A righteous one. His suggestion? "Let's pray. I'll go first. Then it's your turn," as he grasped my hands as we knelt on the floor.

The prayer that came from my lips was a struggling one. It took a long time to start, and even longer to say all I needed. I knew it was my selfish pride and quick-temper that was my issue. I'm not very good at communicating when in conflict. I don't WANT to be mad at him. So, I have this internal conflict that rips me in two pieces first over what "objectively" is the right answer to the question (i.e. such as "Is it really fair that I have to do my chores and part of his??"). Then whether it is appropriate for me to be as upset as I am. It tears me up because I want to feel justified. THen I get upset because I don't even know if he knows I'm upset. It's all part of the "experience" of the first year right? I'm doing my best :)

Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment it up!


Lindsey said...

One of the many wonderful things about being married to a Sanders man is that they DON'T fight back. We can rage and storm about, but they have the calm level heads. It's disarming at first, but you'll get used to it. It's calmed my temper a lot.

Yes, this is part of the first year of marriage.

But even after almost 7 years, I still find myself in a similar struggle. I have this stupid notion that everything should always be equal (especially chores!) and that's just not how it is some times. I find that for a few months, I'll feel like I'm doing everything and he's just getting a free ride. Then the tables turn and I feel like he's doing so much for me and I'm almost taking advantage of his generosity. During those times I definitely feel remorse for thinking so badly of him in the hard times. So when it comes my turn to give more than my "fair share" for a while, I TRY to remember to relax because it will balance out later.

Super long post. Sorry. Hang in there! If you ever want to call and chat, just ring me up! :)

April Hardy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lexa said...

It is a great thing that he turned and said "Let's Pray" Instead of fighting back. My first year would of been a lot easier if I would of taken that look. Even though Lindsey says the Sanders Men don't fight back, I got the opposite temper. I guess the girls vs. the boys right? Or perhaps they take after my dad, while I took after my Mom. It takes all types to make the world go round, but learning how to live with each other is the hardest battle, but also worth the most. If it came too easy, you wouldn't realize how worth it is right? Hang in there, I enjoy your very vulnerable posts and the insight you provide :)

ckelley said...

Just calm down a little. Just like any return missionary, I will advise you through stories:
Communication is KEY! Even the little things that bother you like foot tapping or something need to be brought up. The thing is that if you do not talk about little things that bother you then you keep them inside and they just grow until they reach a boiling point. It was that way with my first Brazilian companion. The tough thing was that even though he was 6 years older than me, I was the senior companion even though I had only been in the field 3 months longer than him. So, there were lots of stupid things he did that annoyed me; but since things weren't peachy to begin with, I decided that bringing up the bad things would only make it worse. Well, try keeping quite for three months after knowing that the problems between the two of us kept us form finding people that wanted to be baptized! Yeah so, the last Saturday we were together I was so upset I almost broke my desk in two instead of hitting him. But thankfully that fight made us beign to talk and discuss the problems we were having. He told how he thought I could improve and I did the same for him. We finished the last three days together on a great note, and to this day he begs for me to visit him at his house.
I know that the problems ERRUPTED because I didn't talk with him about the issues I was having. Because I didn't talk they finally reached a boiling point and there was no nice way of controlling my words for a few moments. During those few moments very mean things were said, things that in a normal state of mind I would never have said, so it is all depressing when I look back on it. But experiences are to make us better. THe true idiots in life are those that do not learn from their own mistakes and make changes so as to not repeat themselves. You know what happened and you know how to be better. You know that Drew is a very patient guy and is willing to listen to anything you have to say, all you have to do is say it!
Believe it or not, guys have a way of knowing when our better half is upset. And to be honest, when I see my girlfriend upset and I confront her about it and she says "nothing is wrong" it really upsets me. She is trying to downplay something that is obviously upsetting her and in turn begins to really upset me because she is not being honest.
I know, I write too much.
Anywhoodle, you know what to do. Talk to Drew about having a "companionship inventory" and I promise he'll be super happy to know that you really want to be sure to discuss the problems you may have.
Good luck pal!

April Hardy said...

Let me rephrase what I posted earlier...Oh it made me cry! I totally remember having those feelings and even to this day when Drew is feeling a little picked on by me he asks me if he ever points out my faults, and he never does. I am still working on that. I think it's a reflection of how I feel about myself inside, so not only am I working on not thinking about what Drew did wrong or how he should be I try to be more like him and compliment him on the things he does do. It's a total work in progress.
I remember thinking mom and dad fussed over the pettiest things, but together as husband and wife we can work on that and hopefully argue over things worth arguing over. Marriage is a lot of work! It's continually a work in progress.

Christy said...

"CKelley" must be fresh off the mission- while he's right it made me laugh.

Christy said...

Sounds like y'all are normal and doing good!!

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