I'm falling asleep. I'm drowning in rain. I'm calling your name. I'm washing you out. I'm taking a stroll. I'm hailing a cab. I'm breaking away. I'm never looking back. I'm not your savior. I'm not hanging around.
I'm just a girl. I've got one place to go. I've got a new life. I'm raring to go. I'm moving forward. I'm not letting you pull me back. I'm over this crap. I'm over the bridge. I'm done with crying. I'm done with your stunts. I'm done with your self-pity.
I'm calling you out. I'm realizing your lack of potential. I'm feeling sorry for you. I'm not sorry enough. I'm closing the door in your face. I'm not remembering your name. I'm erasing the number that connects you and I. I'm telling you I retract all feelings I felt. I'm seeing the truth. I'm seeing how shallow we were. I'm staring the future in the face.
I'm seeing him walking closer to me. I'm seeing the blue eyes that pierce my soul. I'm reaching a hand to grasp the hand I know. I'm hugging the body that keeps me warm. I'm smiling the smile that only he knows. I'm talking in whispers so only he can hear. I'm telling my husband, to always stay near.
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Looking back on past relationships, they were all the same. All shallow, all were what I thought I wanted. I know what I want. I have him. He helps me clean dishes, and plays "Paper Mario" with me. He's the one that pulls me close at night and is willing to cuddle and call me all day.
I have a 'Southern Temper' that gets me in trouble every time. I'm trying to get it under control. I threw a fit last night and immediately afterwards, before he even knew that I was really throwing a tantrum, I was sobbing and begging for forgiveness. Want to know what kind of man I married? A righteous one. His suggestion? "Let's pray. I'll go first. Then it's your turn," as he grasped my hands as we knelt on the floor.
The prayer that came from my lips was a struggling one. It took a long time to start, and even longer to say all I needed. I knew it was my selfish pride and quick-temper that was my issue. I'm not very good at communicating when in conflict. I don't WANT to be mad at him. So, I have this internal conflict that rips me in two pieces first over what "objectively" is the right answer to the question (i.e. such as "Is it really fair that I have to do my chores and part of his??"). Then whether it is appropriate for me to be as upset as I am. It tears me up because I want to feel justified. THen I get upset because I don't even know if he knows I'm upset. It's all part of the "experience" of the first year right? I'm doing my best :)
Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment it up!
